I joke that maybe you’ve heard of that book, The Five Love Languages. My love language is telling people what to do. And PS, that’s not one of the love languages offered in the book. Part of my personality is that in order to feel helpful, to feel like I can make a difference, my world is about controlling everything and everyone. As you can imagine, you’ve probably had the same experience.
We can’t control Jack f*cking sh*t.
We can’t control other people. We can’t control the world. All we can do is have that honest conversation with ourselves. To be like, “Okay, what is really in my control?”
Only a few things really…..
Things I think.
Things I believe.
What I do, including what I put in my mouth.
…….that’s about it.
Everything else is just part of the wonderful human experience, we just take it all in.
We’re not here on Earth, to have everything go our way.
To have everything wonderful and beautiful and fabulous and perfect. The outside world is not here to make us happy.
I just want to put it out there, I struggle with wanting to tell you what to do badly.
I’ll tell you exactly what to do:
- Stop doing what you’re doing.
- Stop shit-talking yourself.
- Stop eating at night.
- Stop being a bitch to yourself.
- Stop it.
But that doesn’t work.
- You’ve already said that to yourself.
- You’ve already done that.
- You’ve already played the shame game, the blame game, and the name-calling game.
We’ve already done all that. So now what?
Part of being a more effective coach is tapping into curiosity, and compassion. I think those are two skills that work for everybody.
How to be more curious and more compassionate with yourself.
When your brain offers you things like
- I don’t know what to do.
- I’m confused.
- It’s all too much.
- I’m overwhelmed.
- I can’t figure it out.
- It’s not working.
Call bullsh*t on it!
Instead, we need to figure out:
- What is really going on?
- Why do I think I’m confused?
- What do I know?
I’m sorry but you’re a human being. You are experienced in life. You figured out a lot of things. Figuring out how to eat or what to eat isn’t the big problem. You know the difference between a bag of Cheetos and a bag of lettuce. You do.
What’s happening is that we’ve got a lot of sh*t in our heads.
- This diet is the right diet.
- You shouldn’t have carbs.
- You need healthy fats.
- Coconut oil is good for you.
- Coconut oil is bad for you.
- Wine is good.
- Wine is bad.
We have to use our own common sense. We have to simplify all of this and stop looking for more information. The new diet. The quick fix.
The quick fix is like the one-night stand of diets. It is very attractive. It’s alluring. Looks good. Smells good. Tastes good. Seems so good. Give it to me. I need it now and it doesn’t last long.
Here’s the thing. This is me, believing in you. Ultimately, you can figure this out.
Do you need help?
Yeah, we all do. It took me many decades to realize that I could keep going with my diet, losing weight and gaining weight. I could keep going in that direction.
If you were trying to sell me on this idea that you have to think differently, believe differently, or have a different mindset, I don’t want to hear it. Definitely not.
I’m a lot like you, just tell me what to eat. Tell me how many calories. Tell me how many grams of carbs. Give me a list of the foods I can have, and the foods I can’t have.
I can do that backward standing on my head, sleeping, blindfolded, hands tied together. I can do that all day long. I love that. I love it. I do, it’d be so easy.
Except you have a human brain, human brains do human things.
At some point, when life gets life, even though you have your list. The foods to eat. The foods you can eat. Do this particular workout. Eat this combination of foods, or this is meal one and this is meal two. You can’t have bread. All that stuff goes out the window.
It’s not gonna work. You have all that already. You probably have years of diets and books and programs and files and sh*t, everywhere.
All of it works
but only if;
- It works for you sustainably.
- It’s easy for you.
- It’s somewhat enjoyable.
- You can keep going with it.
- You have the ability to tweak it as you go and not be all or nothing with it.
Not just throw it away when you have a tough day. When you don’t get enough sleep. When you decide to eat the doughnut. It doesn’t mean it’s not working, or it won’t work.
I’m calling out your bullshit.
- I can say, it’s okay.
- Be nice to yourself.
- It’s all right. You don’t have to do it.
- Do what you like.
- Do what you feel like.
- If you don’t want to do it, it’s okay.
Because that’s also bullsh*t.
Our human brain, because it wants to protect us so badly, is always letting us off the hook.
I know you said you were going to do XYZ and you didn’t. That’s okay.
I know you were gonna go pick up your kids from school and you forgot or didn’t want to or you were busy getting your nails done. That’s okay.
No! Stop that!
An analogy for this is that I used it with another client. I said, here’s what I’m experiencing with you. My client wants to lose weight and struggles to lose weight. A lot of things come up in life. I will call them excuses. A lot of beliefs and stories that she likes things. Like you know, “that looks really yummy. So I had to have it.” Life is so crazy and I don’t know why I keep doing this.
You know, just the same thing over and over. I didn’t stick to my plan. I don’t know why.
I said listen, this is what it feels like. I feel like if you’ve ever gone fishing, this will make sense. I feel like you’re the fish on the hook. You want to lose weight. You’ve bitten the hook. Right?
You signed up, you raised your hand. Help me please with weight loss. Now, here we go. I’m starting to reel you in. I’m going to help you. I’m going to ask the questions. I’m going to solve your problems.
As soon as I get to a certain point where I’m uncovering some of your self-limiting beliefs, some of your well-rehearsed lies also known as excuses, just some of your story that I’m starting to pick apart some of the drama that I’m starting to notice. I’m not necessarily calling you out, but I’m asking you about it. As soon as I get you close to the top of the water, boom, you take the line of my reel, and you go.
If you’ve ever been fishing, you know what this feels like. The fish is like, f*ck no, f*ck you. I’m out of here. I’m running away. I do not want to be caught.
This is what happens.
We get close. We’re on that edge, we’re on the verge. We’re close to a breakthrough and our brain stomps the brakes. That’s your little fish mouth on the hook. Right?
We don’t want to be on the hook, we let ourselves off the hook. We don’t want to have
any accountability. We don’t want to solve this problem, because we’re afraid of something.
If this is you, welcome to having a human brain!
We gotta stop this sh*t. If you want weight loss, and you want results, you’re going to have to stay on the hook. You’re going to have to see it all the way through.
It might be scary, might feel uncertain, just like that poor little fish getting reeled to the surface. But there is something on the other side for you. That something is probably that long list of “whys”.
Why do you want to lose weight?
- You want to fit in all of your clothes.
- You want to feel better.
- You want to like what you see in the mirror.
- You want to take off your clothes and not freak out.
- You want to wear a bathing suit.
- You want to feel like you have energy.
- You want to run up the stairs.
- You want to run a 5k.
- You want to feel accomplished.
- You want to feel proud.
All of that stuff actually can start, as soon as you stop your bullsh*t!
You have to be able to think differently.
All that stuff does not come as soon as you lose 20 pounds. No, it starts as soon as you decide to think differently. To believe something else. To stop the bullsh*t.
If we keep waiting for weight loss, or to be the magic weight. We’re waiting and waiting and never getting there. You could lose weight, and still, have all this bullsh*t going on. Chances are high that’s what’s been happening.
That’s why people don’t lose weight and keep it off. They’re still thinking. Still being that scared fish running with the line and trying to get off the hook.
You can’t have it both ways.
This is my gift to you. Real talk. I’m just like you. Sometimes we feel sorry for ourselves. Sometimes we have a pity party for ourselves. You can do that, you just can’t stay there.
If you want what you say you want, you’re going to have to take some uncomfortable action. It doesn’t mean running 26 miles, because that’s crazy. I’m just saying you’re gonna be uncomfortable.
Rising to the surface with the hook in your mouth is uncomfortable, but that’s the only way to get where you want to go.
NOTES IN ANCHOR
Part of my personality is that in order to feel helpful, to feel like I can make a difference, my world is about controlling everything and everyone. Which as you can imagine, because you’ve probably had the same experience, we can’t control Jack f*cking sh*t. We can’t control other people. We can’t control the world. All we can do is have that honest conversation with ourselves. To be like, “Okay, what is really in my control?” Lets discuss a little more about what we can and can’t control on episode 29 of the Unf*ck Your Weight Loss podcast, right now!
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ABOUT THE HOST
Bonnie Lefrak is a Life & Body Transformation Expert and Founder of Self Made, a program designed to help you tackle the physical aspects of health and weight loss as well as the beliefs and thoughts that drive our habits and behaviors. It is her goal to help women create certainty in their own lives, their own results, and their own abilities.
Weight loss is not about the one “right” diet – it is about MUCH more than that. Weight loss is not about the one “right” workout. Weight loss is not about being positive and putting a big smile on. Weight loss is about FEELINGS. All of them. Not trying to bury them or hide from them but knowing and allowing the full human experience.
Weight loss is not about grinding hustling and will powering your way to some end line. Transformation (when done well) is done from the inside out.
By addressing both the physical and mental aspects of dieting and weight loss, she has coached thousands of women ages 30-55+ from all over and helped them ditch the mindsets that are holding them back, achieve permanent weight loss, and get the bangin’ body of their dreams.
Bonnie is an expert at Demystifying weight loss. She helps you unf*ck your diet brain.
She is on a mission to help women love themselves, to find PEACE in the process of losing weight, taking care of themselves, and leveraging the power they do have to become who and want they want right now.
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