Going Deeper On Your Weight Loss

by | Jun 27, 2024


When I look at fitness, I look at not just hey, you need to work out more but,

  • How many steps do you get in a day? 
  • How much muscle do you have? 
  • What is your overall fitness? 
  • What is your overall physical health or physicality? 
  • What about your bone mass? 
  • Or your muscle mass? 
  • What about your joint health? If you want to lose weight, lose body fat, be a smaller size, be in a leaner, more fit body then it isn’t just going to be about dieting harder and working out more. If you want to level up, it will require you to go a level deeper. You cannot stay at surface level and reach the body of your dreams and keep it. After all, you have probably lost weight before. You’ve lost weight and gained it and lost weight and gained it. 

My guess is if you’re here it is because you want help with weight loss. I know for a fact, myself included, nobody wants to go deeper. Nobody wants to;

  • Find out what’s under the surface. 
  • “Peel back the onion” and see what’s there. 
  • Find out what lies beneath. 
  • What is wrong with my inner child? 
  • What trauma has overtaken me? 
  • Where has my life gone off track? 
  • How are my parents to blame? 

All of the things that we’re kind of scared of. 

I’m not trying to take you there, I am going to be asking you some questions so that you can figure out if there are some things you want to work on. I think they will actually help move you forward again. Because you do have to be in a calorie deficit to lose body fat, we just don’t have to be in a drastic calorie deficit. We don’t have to lose all of our weight in two weeks. We don’t have to get our instant, overnight, Amazon Prime body because every time we try to do that, we end up creating more metabolic issues down the road. I’ll get a little bit into that as well. 

When I think about the root cause, like what is at the root of our current weight, our natural weight, our ideal weight, there are some things at play. Obviously, genetics is one. Genetics do play a role in the type of body shape, size, symmetry, how you’re put together, a lot of that is genetics. That could be people of a certain descent, a certain stature, a certain tendency, are going to have those traits passed along. 

Also, biology of weight loss or biology of fat loss. Our human bodies really aren’t designed just to let go of body fat stores because that would be problematic, we would be wasting away. The moment we stop, the moment we get sick for a week, we would waste away completely so our bodies are beautifully and uniquely designed to hold on to body fat. 

Of course, we live in a time where the food industry is creating super delicious foods that are hard to stop eating. Ultra processed foods are very hard to stop eating because the ultra processing of them means that we don’t really need to chew a lot for them to dissolve. They don’t really require a lot of digestive process. They instantly melt in your mouth and they are so delicious. 

Restaurants know this as well. You could go into a restaurant and order a salad and all in with the cheese and the croutons and the marinated chicken and the dressing and whatever shit they put in there. It’s like a 1500 calorie salad because it tastes good and it has all of those sweet and the salty and the crunchy and the fruit it has all of the things. 

What else goes into this? I would say;

  • Family dynamics, 
  • Our own personal family culture,
  • Certainly injuries, 
  • Disease,
  • Traumas, little traumas and big traumas,
  • Things that have come from your childhood, 
  • How you were brought up, 
  • What type of household you were in.

Everything kind of factors into where you’re at right now. How your body performs, what weight you’re at, what your body composition is, and we’d be silly to ignore that. 

That all being said, it doesn’t mean you’re stuck, that you’re locked in or that your past dictates your future. There just are some things at play. When I look to be more holistic in my weight loss programs, rather than hey, here’s a diet, follow the diet. Just do what I say, put on your blinders, use your willpower, don’t look around, don’t leave your house. Just do exactly what I tell you to do and it will work, that to me is easy. That is my fallback position too.

We all just want to be told that if you just do this, it will work. Until life gets in the way, life doesn’t go perfectly, things become stressful, something happens. Till we can’t just follow the plan and we have to actually have more tools, more framework. We have to be able to pivot. We have to have a different mindset if we’re going to lose weight and keep it off. 

When I thought about creating a program, Self Made, and subsequently I created a membership version of that. It’s like Self Made light. It’s called the Society. Both of those programs are built on five very important pillars. You could probably guess what two of them are, food and fitness. The other pillars are; feelings, fucking hormones, and future self. And yes, they’re all beginning with the letter F. 


I think when you look at food, it always comes back to whether that is purely looking at nutrition. 

  • Like do you have enough calories? 
  • Do you have enough protein? 
  • Do you have enough fiber? 
  • Do you have enough essential vitamins and minerals?
  • Are you taking in enough calories? 
  • Do you have a lot of Diet Rules and good foods and bad foods? 

And thoughts……

  • What is your relationship with food? 
  • Are you a bad person when you eat food? 
  • Do you have any sense of actual true hunger? 
  • Do you know when you’re hungry? 
  • Do you know when you’ve had enough food? 

The food piece isn’t just ,how many calories should I take in? It’s really, what is your relationship with food? 

  • How mobile or how stable are you? 

Those are all things that fall under the umbrella of fitness, it isn’t just about burning calories, moving as much as possible and making your Apple iWatch tell you that you’ve satisfied the exercise ring. There’s a lot more to overall fitness.There are a lot of different ways you could use data. 

Ideally, when I think about fitness, I really do try to get women to strength train. I think that is the insurance you’re going to need as you get older.


This is the one that is actually called f*cking feelings and f*cking hormones. This is the mindset, the perfectionism, the people pleasing, boundaries or lack of boundaries, buffering, etc. It’s the, what do you do with food and alcohol when you are having a bad day, you want to have a good day, or don’t want to think about something? What about the dopamine hits you get from food and alcohol? That’s all those things that are going on in your brain. 

Mindset sounds superfluous. It sounds boring. It sounds like you were just sort of going down a rabbit hole and we’re taught, it’s kind of like therapy talk, like, oh, how does that make you feel? It’s like that kind of bullsh*t. 

I’m going to get to some questions that I actually have for you. There are a lot. It will shine a light more on that. Ultimately, yes, I do think food is where I look first when I help somebody lose weight, but more than food, it’s your thoughts about food. It’s your thoughts about kinds of food, or how much food or when you should eat and ultimately, why are you eating if you’re not really hungry. 

F*cking Hormones

The fourth pillar is f*cking hormones. This is really where we talk about your metabolic rate, your overall health, your hormone status, supplementation, and really what’s happening with your mood and your hunger cues. Because there are hunger hormones, leptin and ghrelin that can be altered, depending on what’s been going on in your past diet history. Your gut health, your sleep, your muscle tone, all really fall under that pillar. 

Future Self

The future self is essentially who would you be if you reach the goal you’re looking to get and you stay there? You maintained that. You worked on being the woman in that body, whether it’s a size or a body composition or a certain weight. 

  • Who are you at your ideal weight or in the body you desire? 
  • Where are you actually going? 
  • Where is the big vision here?
  • What do you need to believe? 
  • How do you show up in the world?
  • What do you do as that version of yourself? 

For some women, they’ve been 20-30 pounds lighter for a long time and it really wasn’t only till perimenopause that their body composition changed. In many ways, the future self is kind of like getting back to your old self. feeling like you used to feel. For some of my clients, they’ve never maintained that weight loss. They’ve lost the 20 pounds, 30 pounds, 50 pounds, the 100 pounds, but gained it back. They never lived for a long time as that person because you are going to have to have different beliefs. You’re going to have to show up in the world in a different way, if you’re going to keep that weight off. 

All of that being said, sometimes we think the root cause is;

  • things will be easier when my kids grow up or 
  • my husband, he’s the one who’s always cooking the food and so I don’t have control or 
  • work is really busy and I have all these deadlines, and I’m unable to eat three meals. 

That’s often what happens. We think it’s something outside of ourselves, that is the root cause. But the root cause, of course, is the root within you. 

I want to take you to something I already posted today. I woke up in this sort of spicy mood where I was like, look, I’m just going to call it out. Yes, for weight loss, it’s always going to be the food. However, I think we really want to figure out the why. Why you are eating the food, or maybe in some cases, the why not. Because at the end of the day, if you’re not losing body fat, then we want to figure out at least this first layer of problems. 

Like I said, if we want to get to a root cause we are going to have to peel back some layers. You have to start somewhere. We don’t have to go from the surface to the center of the core, because we might not know where that is. We just want to. 

That’s why I think coaching is so interesting because we just ask questions. That’s it. We just try to ask the questions to find out why. 

  • Why do you feel that way? 
  • Why do you think that?
  • What is going on?

And you might illuminate exactly what is happening for you. 


I’m going to read you what I wrote. You can see these in person in my free group, Food Fitness Fat Loss for Women Over 40. But I recently changed the Facebook group name to match the podcast, Unf*ck Your Weight Loss. So here we go. 

I would start here. I don’t think that every single person is going to resonate with all 14 of these but probably some of them are going to be right on the money. 

1) Are you under-eating all day and overeating at night? 

So here’s the deal. You’re not going to be able to lose weight and keep it off until you figure out that right there. Just start there. That’s not too deep. It’s not uncovering a trauma. It’s not going into your family dynamic. It’s not blaming mom or dad, but figuring out what is that all about? 

For a lot of clients. It’s just diet culture. It’s like I’m supposed to barely eat all day long, or I’m so busy at work or I wasn’t hungry. I wasn’t thinking about it. I just got distracted. Then I came home and I ate the world. So you want to figure out exactly what is going on for you. 

2) Are you under-eating all week and then overeating all weekend?

That’s another big one. Either of those scenarios are going to keep you from being at the weight you want. 

3) Is your metabolism super slow from constant under-eating? 

Probably. I have always had clients who want to fight me on this and be like, I need to eat 1200 calories or less. That is the only way I can lose weight. And it’s hard because they’re right.

It’s hard because it’s true, except doing more of that under-eating, continuing to under-eat and go lower and lower, 1100 calories, 1000 calories, 900, 800, 500, that’s not how it works. You’re only going to hurt yourself. You’re going to lose more muscle mass, you’re going to slow down your metabolism even more and there is a way to fix your metabolism, but it takes time.

I know nobody wants to hear that, but you’re only digging yourself further in and not digging into the root cause. We’re digging ourselves into an early grave, and I mean that hypothetically not literally, you’re going to die early. But you’re not going to be able to lose body fat by continuously and continually eating less and less and less and less. You’re just going to eat up all of your muscle mass. 

4) Do you eat because people offer you food and you can’t say no?

I know, because that would be rude. 

  • I’d hurt their feelings. 
  • They made it for me. 
  • What would they think?
  •  What if they asked me why I don’t want it? 
  • Are you on a diet? 
  • What’s wrong with you? 

And that’s totally normal to have those thoughts. But it’s not serving you.

Saying yes to everything and everyone is not serving you, it is probably costing you hundreds of calories just to make somebody else happy. At the end of the day, does somebody really care whether you eat the cookies or not? Not really. I mean, yeah, people like to eat with other people. They don’t want to eat alone, because they don’t want to feel bad about it. But if you’re going to lose weight, and you’re going to become the future version of yourself, you’re going to have to possibly say no sometimes. That’s called boundaries. That’s called not people pleasing. 

5) Do you eat because everyone else is eating? 

That’s just go along to get along. I’m just gonna go along to get along. I don’t want to stand out. I don’t want anybody to ask me why I’m not eating. What’s wrong with me? Do I not like the food? I just want to not be seen. 

That might happen to your inner child or some traumas where you’re just trying to stay small, and play small, but that’s not going to work for long term weight loss. 

6) Do you eat at night as a reward for a bad day or a good day or because you need to have something to look forward to? 

This kind of goes into the me time. Most of my female clients have a little bit of me time, when the kids go to bed or the husband goes to bed, everybody goes away, or it’s just later at night. I just need my time. I want to watch my shows. I want to do it by myself with my snacks and all of that. 

Yeah, you should, throughout the day, have your time. Whether that’s early in the morning or late at night or the middle of the day. Take a walk or a nap or write in your journal or read a book or scroll Instagram or do whatever you want. But can you do it without food and alcohol? That’s really where I would dig in. Why do you need a reward for a good day? Or a bad day? How would food solve a bad day? It doesn’t.  

7) Do you eat because you’re bored? Lonely? Angry?

You might also be eating because it’s a habit. You’ve just been doing it for so long. You’ve never questioned it. After dinner, you put away the things, you get ready for the next day and then we watch TV and we eat. Maybe it’s just habitual. 

8) Do you eat because it tastes good? 

It is fun, it feels good. Food does taste good. I am all about foods that taste good. I don’t want to eat foods that don’t taste good. There’s no point in that. I am definitely not trying to push this agenda that you should only eat food that has high nutrition. You should only eat protein, fiber and vegetables, like that’s the majority. 

There is of course room for your ice cream and your candy and the things that you like. However, you’re going to enjoy them so much more. When you’re not stressed eating them. When you’re not mindlessly eating them. When you’re not sneak eating them and then beating yourself up for eating it. Feeling guilty, ashamed, like why did I do that? I would rather have planned out to enjoy my ice cream or whatever I’m enjoying and taste it and slow down. Not trying to shove it all in because Oh, I got to start again tomorrow. 

9) Do you eat when you’re procrastinating or avoiding doing or feeling? 

Yes. Yes, I do. That’s one of the ones I have for myself is, when I’m under the gun and I have to get something done. I’m in front of my computer and I get up. I literally get up and now I’m looking around. I’m going to open a cabinet or a refrigerator. I’m walking around the kitchen. That’s usually where I’m like, Okay, I gotta get my water bottle. I gotta get my mouth something to do. Maybe I’ll get some gum. I end up chewing a lot of gum in front of the computer, because it helps with my stress. 

I think there was a study about that and I realized it’s just a habit I have. I start looking around for something to eat but obviously eating food does not help me get things done faster at all. It just adds hundreds of calories and then pushes off the project even further. 

10) Do you eat beyond your true hunger? 

11) Do you even know if you’re hungry? 

It’s sort of interesting. In diet land, we’re kind of always hungry, we’re always thinking about food. 

  • When can I eat? 
  • Can I eat that? 
  • What will they have to eat? 
  • Will I be able to eat that? 
  • Should I bring my own food? Right? 

It’s this constant barrage of thoughts and wondering about food are you going to eat? Do you actually know when you’re hungry? 

Inside of Self Made, we do teach the hunger scale. You can use a lot of different hunger scales, but really not just putting a number to it, but putting a thought to it and putting a feeling to it. So they have an actual physical feeling. So that you can end in your own words, so that you know when you’ve had enough food.

12) Do you have a lot of arbitrary Diet Rules that although you believe in them, they’re unsustainable? 

Where it’s like, 

  • carbs are bad, 
  • fat is bad,
  • fiber is good, 
  • certain proteins are bad, 
  • seed oil is bad, 
  • processed food is bad, 
  • this is bad, 
  • that is bad. 

We feel if I can follow these rules, that I’m now good enough, I am worthy, I am superior to those people who don’t follow these rules.

If I have all of those kinds of foods in my cart, I can look down on the lady who has Golden Grahams in her cart, even though I really want the golden grams. We have a lot of these food rules. We’ve been carrying them around for a long time. They seem like they should be the rules, but they really aren’t sustainable. I can’t necessarily and don’t want to follow them on vacation or the weekends or every day, or I get sort of bored and sick of them. They feel like they take a lot of energy and a lot of time and a lot of prep. I can’t always do it that way. 

13) Do you feel like you have no control over your food choices because you’re so busy?

This is the one I think that gets a lot of my clients. The one where, you know, women in business. 

  • They’re traveling, 
  • They’re taking clients out, 
  • They’re at business meetings, 
  • They feel like they have to eat and drink everything that everybody else’s. 
  • We’re so busy. 
  • I’m so busy. 
  • I’m in meetings, 
  • I’m traveling, 
  • I don’t have time to eat, 
  • I can only eat fast food. 
  • I can only eat at this place. 

14) Do you feel like you have no control over food choices because of your family?

My kids are picky eaters, or my husband cooks the food or this one or that one? I just think it’s important for you to figure out if that’s what you’re basing your food choices off of;

  • Why are you eating? 
  • Or why are you not eating? 
  • Why are you not where you want to be? 

I look at all of these and know that they are not true. They are stories.

I’m so busy that I can’t have any choice or control over what I put in my mouth. My family has all of these different likes or dislikes or needs. That means I can’t eat what I want to eat. It’s just a story that we believe and it’s holding us back. 

Some of these things are habitual, some of these things are just learned and some of them are going to take you closer to a root cause. There’s some place that this came from. There’s nothing dangerous about finding out how or why it’s happening, but you do want to solve for it. Food and alcohol only solve for certain things. Food solves hunger. Alcohol doesn’t solve for anything. Alcohol is just an extra add on.

I want to a thank you for coming to this podcast. Thank you for subscribing and writing a five star review and sharing it with as many people as you can. And be more patient, kinder, nicer and more accepting of yourself. 

You are a worthy human being. No matter what has happened in the past. No matter what your diet history, no matter what is going on, what is going on or has gone on. There’s always a way for you to solve your weight loss. There is. Whether you are using these podcasts to do it on your own, obviously 102 episodes. 

Some of my podcasts are very much like do this, do this, try this. Here’s some more tips. Here’s what I would do. Some of them are very hands-on. Then some of them are a little bit like, oh, I have to go a little bit deeper. If I want to solve for weight loss, I do think you you do. You want to figure out what is really going on? Why are you eating or not eating? Figure that out. 

If it’s all day long, I’m trying to stick to a really restrictive diet, of course, you’re going to come home and be starving. If all week long you’re barely eating and you’re trying to lose weight and you’re riding the scale and you’re trying to get your Amazon Prime body by Friday. Of course, you’re going to overeat all weekend, you’re exhausted, you’re tired, you’re hungry, you deserve a treat. 

Eating is fun, and there are ways for you to lose weight, still have fun on the weekend and still have your favorite foods. But you want to figure out what that next layer is. If we go a little bit deeper, what will we find? I’m not afraid.  

I hope this podcast has given you the ability to be curious and unafraid as well. I hope you have a wonderful week. If you are interested in learning more about Self Made or the Society the links are in the notes below. Make sure you come to the free group if you’re not already there. If you’re having trouble finding it, just come find me on Facebook. I am Bonnie Lefrak on Facebook and Bonnie Lefrak on Instagram. Alright, as a college boyfriend once said, be good or be good at it.


Bonnie Lefrak is a Life & Body Transformation Expert and Founder of Self Made, a program designed to help you tackle the physical aspects of health and weight loss as well as the beliefs and thoughts that drive our habits and behaviors. It is her goal to help women create certainty in their own lives, their own results, and their own abilities.

Weight loss is not about the one “right” diet – it is about MUCH more than that. Weight loss is not about the one “right” workout. Weight loss is not about being positive and putting a big smile on.

Weight loss is about FEELINGS. All of them. Not trying to bury them or hide from them but knowing and allowing the full human experience. Weight loss is not about grinding hustling and will powering your way to some end line. Transformation (when done well) is done from the inside out.

By addressing both the physical and mental aspects of dieting and weight loss, she has coached thousands of women ages 30-55+ from all over and helped them ditch the mindsets that are holding them back, achieve permanent weight loss, and get the bangin’ body of their dreams.

Bonnie is an expert at Demystifying weight loss. She helps you u****k your diet brain. She is on a mission to help women love themselves, to find PEACE in the process of losing weight, taking care of themselves, and leveraging the power they do have to become who and want they want right now.

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